Coprolite Newsletter, August 2003

In the continuing effort to help mature people cope with the world (and vice-versa), let’s focus this month on a very popular topic of discussion every August – the weather.

Remember the days before we got our weather forecasts from TV? We had no well-coiffed experts equipped with an endless supply of Doppler diagrams and satellite pictures capable of pinpointing every incoming cloud. Instead, we tried to predict the weather from bits of folk wisdom based on clues that nature provided. Often, these sayings came in verse form to make them easier to remember.

My grandparents were good at that sort of thing. I guess they had to be, in order to wrest a living from an 80-acre farm. In turn, my parents tried to pass these bits of wisdom on to me, but without a lot of success.

I remember there was some kind of saying about woolly bear caterpillars. The width of the colored band around their middle was supposed to tell you how cold the coming winter would be. We kids brought up in the city didn’t really run into that many woolly bear caterpillars.

I was vaguely aware of the saying about “Red sky at night” but I was never sure whether it was followed by “sailors’ delight” or “sailors take fright.” (I had an uncle who was a sailor, but he was never around much in the evening for me to observe.) Then there was “Rain before seven, sun by eleven.” Or was it the other way around?

The trouble is that today’s urban lifestyle makes it hard to relate to a lot of those old weather sayings. I think that’s too bad. Part of our culture is being lost.

What we should do is replace the old sayings with new ones that modern people can understand and use. Here are a few bits of new folk wisdom that may prove helpful in the years ahead:

* * * *
Night sky black with dots of white–
Things are pretty much all right.
Night sky glowing reddish brown–
The power plant is melting down.

* * * *
Never mind what pilots say,
watch what flight attendants do instead.
Coffee cups filled all the way,
mean bumpy weather’s just ahead.

* * * *
Summer party out of doors,
down the pelting cloudburst pours.
Summer party held inside,
air conditioner circuit’s fried.

* * * *
Imply your spouse is growing old,
and things will soon get very cold,
but several carats worth of “ice”
can turn the climate rather nice.

* * * *
When penguins all are bleached snow-white
and blisters cover each seal’s pup,
then stay indoors except at night,
until the Ozone Hole heals up.

* * * *
Picking home-grown tropic fruits,
water-skiing down your street,
bikinis worn as business suits--
global warming can be neat!

* * * *
If hot air’s swirling all around
and clouds of fog blot out the sun
and you can’t escape a droning sound
Election season has begun.

* * * *
Aren’t those easier to understand than woolly bears? Once we get the hang of using these updated pieces of old-time folk wisdom, I bet we’ll find them just as helpful as our grandparents found the original ones.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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