Coprolite Newsletter, July 2003

To Vitamin Makers, You're
a Man, Woman, or Over-55

Welcome to the first issue of the Coprolite News. In this monthly newsletter, we’ll bring you some thoughts about coping as a Coprolite.

As you know if you have perused http://www.coprolites.com, the Coprolites are a group that goes way back in history. Our name sounds like we could be an ethnic group like the Semites or a religious group like the Mennonites — but we’re not. We actually take our name from a mineral. Coprolite is fossilized old poop. You can buy samples of it in many rock shops, generally left by dinosaurs back in the Jurassic period.

Those of us who are known as fossilized old poops are proud of our heritage. Our people are responsible for the world as you know it today. We invented and largely populate such essential institutions as Congress.

Yet, we constantly have to battle against discrimination. Today’s youth-oriented society tends to look askance at us Coprolites. We’re often treated as though we just don’t belong.

For example, I was shopping for vitamins the other day. One of the big popular brands has three different versions of their daily supplement. One is designed for men. One is for women. And one is for people over 55.

Wait a minute! Since when did men and women stop being different from each other as soon as they turned 55? Did I sign up for neutering when I signed up for AARP?

I have to admit it comes as a shock to learn that sexual differences have disappeared by my age. Here I was thinking those differences were still pretty darn nice. I’m sure this will be big news to certain aging actors and politicians.

The people who formulate vitamin supplements are probably all apple-cheeked youngsters. We Coprolites must seem so alien to them that we all look alike.

Some people used to say that all Chinese looked alike, or all African-Americans, or all nuns. It would be unthinkable to speak that way today — unless you’re talking about older people. I guess diversity training can only go so far.

When people think of a truly alien species, what comes to mind? Check the supermarket tabloids. People who are acquainted with space aliens describe them as being grey. And sexless.

Apparently it’s an easy jump to assume that anybody grey is also sexless and a member of some other species (one that has altogether different nutritional needs).

So while real men and women get doses of vitamins that presumably enhance and strengthen whatever it is that makes them men and women, we over-55’s get some kind of generic stuff whose purpose is just to keep the rocking chair going. After all, only our Urologists care which kind of plumbing we’ve got.

There could be a more sinister explanation. Maybe the kids who create vitamin formulas just don’t want to imagine sexuality rearing its ugly (or even bald) head among people the age of their parents. Possibly they’re still traumatized by having accidentally witnessed a primal scene in their childhood. Maybe they’re even putting something in that over-55 vitamin mixture to prevent anything like that from happening again.

I believe I’ll go back to the store and check that vitamin label for saltpeter.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

To read other Coprolite Columns, return to Newsletter Archives.

You are welcome to forward this newsletter to anyone, as long as you send it in its entirety. To subscribe or unsubscribe, please visit http://three.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/coprolitenews.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Who are the Coprolites—a tribe, a secret society, a religious order? If you ’re unfamiliar with this proud but little-understood group, visit http://www.coprolites.org for more information. Find out how you—or that friend of yours who has a birthday coming up—can benefit.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For professionally written and edited newsletters, brochures, speeches, scripts, or web copy, get in touch with WordMagic Communications. We have lots of powerful words in stock, with fresh supplies arriving daily.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Need a speaker for your workshop, seminar, or meeting? Check out The Expert Speakers Group. .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -