Coprolite Newsletter, May 2004

When my youngest grandchildren go into a restaurant, they’re often treated like little senior citizens. It seems like an awful way to treat innocent kids.

I’m not just talking about the way some servers adopt a loud, overly enthusiastic, patronizing tone when talking to both kids and seniors. My main concern is the way many eating places try to limit the menu choices for both groups.

Someone has decided that kids and seniors don’t like the same things that normal people do. Kids are supposed to like chicken fingers, hot dogs, and macaroni and cheese. Those are the only choices listed on their special children’s menus, next to the riddles, games, and pictures to color. Seniors sometimes get their own sections on the menu too. Smaller portions, limited selection. Apparently, like our grandchildren, we don’t want anything particularly interesting.

Either kids are assumed to be impatient or items on their menu are very quick to prepare. As a result, servers bring out those meals twenty minutes before they feed the adults in the party. Like our grandchildren, seniors also tend to be fed early. By that I mean our senior specials are usually available only if we dine at about four o’clock, before the normal customers arrive.

We’ve probably done plenty to deserve the treatment we get, but these poor kids haven’t. We owe it to them to try to do something about this trend. Otherwise, it might spread to other institutions besides eating places.

For example, what if schools also start limiting selections for the young? Some already do just that for their elders.

The college I graduated from in 1956 lets people my age audit classes at no cost (provided they’re not filled up by paying students). This is a wonderful idea. But you should see the list of codger courses they suggest for us. Medieval history. Intermediate Latin. Victorian novelists. Preparing your will. They’re more than happy to mail out this short list to anyone interested in the program. But getting an actual catalog that includes all the courses they offer to normal students is just about impossible. After all, why would a senior citizen be interested in learning about film making, chemistry, or java programming?

If primary schools join my alma mater in adopting that restricted-choice attitude pioneered by restaurants, there won’t be a whole lot of subjects for children to study. One or two sports will suffice for gym class. Classrooms will feature just history and multiplication. Then the kids will go home to find that Sesame Street is brought to them every day by the same letter.

To keep this from happening to our grandchildren, we seniors should do everything we can to fight efforts to limit your choices depending on your age. If we succeed in reversing the trend for our own age group, maybe it will help the kids too.

So when the car salesman steers you to the four-door sedan, insist on looking at the sporty convertible. When the travel agent touts Branson or St. Petersburg, ask about whitewater rafting. When the dentist suggests a crown, find out if he does tongue piercing.

Mind you, I’m not saying you must actually buy the convertible, shoot the rapids, or allow any part of yourself to be pierced. The important thing is to expand the menus. Get people out of the habit of assuming they know what we want.

We all live in rooms with walls that keep slowly moving in on us if we don’t constantly work at pushing them back.

Let’s push back. We’ve gotta do it for the kids.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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