Coprolite Newsletter, March 2004

They call it "reality based television." TV networks love to plunk a bunch of people down in a jungle or desert and force them to deal with a lot of challenges while cameras record every move. Once a week, they have to get rid of one of their members. The last one remaining wins. Hah! Wimpy concept.

I've got an idea for a much more challenging and devious TV series. I call it The Aging Game.

We'll start with the usual group of assorted personalities. Our contestants won't have to be isolated on a remote island. We're going to develop even harsher ways to set them apart from the rest of humanity while they continue living right in their own home towns. And the dirty tricks we play on them will be subtler but nastier than any twists Survivor producers have come up with so far.

First, we'll put some kind of drops in their eyes to make their vision blurry. Let's see how they meet the challenge of reading the fine print in their phone book or newspaper. While we're at it, we might as well fit them with some earplugs too. Our audience will get a lot of laughs when our contestants try to converse with each other:

"In this sun, a big hat's very wise."

"What? For fun, you dig fat hairy guys? Man, you need a shrink!"

"Don't mind if I do. Got any beer?"

The next week, we'll make life even more challenging for our contestants by giving them some injections to make their joints and muscles hurt when they attempt any physical activity. Let's see which ones are brave enough to get up out of their chairs and try to get things done. Hint: It may not be the ones who were the most athletic before. It could be the skinny guy or dainty housewife who copes the best. There are lots of surprises in this phase of the show.

Shows like Survivor and Fear Factor have always forced people to eat awful things they'd never touch otherwise. We won't resort to silly things like bugs and rats. We'll just tell our contestants that all the food they've always enjoyed is now bad for them. They can no longer eat carbohydrates, fat, salt, or anything that tastes good. Watching them forage in a grocery store or restaurant for sustenance under these rules should be fascinating.

The next surprise we spring on our contestants is really devilish. These shows always spend a lot of time showing how the people struggle to provide themselves with food and shelter. Usually, all they have to do is catch or pick or dig up something to eat, and slap together a few sticks for a hut. We've got something much more challenging for them.

Our contestants will still have to work at jobs to earn money for their food and shelter. However, they are now required to wear special makeup and wigs that make them look gray and wrinkled. All the employers in town are in on the game, and avoid hiring or promoting anyone wearing these costumes. In addition, co-workers will be instructed to patronize them. This phase of the competition should see many of our contestants start to crack.

In the next challenge, they're told they can't even work any more, but must get by on their savings or a tiny monthly stipend. Then they find out they must spend most of that income on medicine. If they still choose to spend it on food and shelter, they can lose their immunity.

On the other shows, contestants meet every so often to vote on who has to leave and who gets to stay. The Aging Game is harsher. Your fellow contestants just randomly disappear, and it's usually the ones that everybody liked the best. Nobody ever really figures out how the rules work for this part, which adds to the frustration and tension. Isn't that delicious?

The more I thought about The Aging Game, the more I became convinced that it had real potential. Finally, I pitched the idea to a TV producer. He stared at me with a dumbfounded expression.

"Are you kidding?" he asked. "We'd be sued by every contestant and fined by the FCC if we treated people that badly! No way!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him The Aging Game isn't really just a game. It's the reality show everybody is slated to star in some day.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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