Coprolite Newsletter, January 2008

I was sitting on a park bench watching the world go by, when an old man came shuffling down the path. He had a long white beard, wore a white robe, and carried a walking stick. Wearily, he sat down on the bench across from me.

Just then a child came skipping up and joined us. "Excuse me. Which one of you is Mr. 2007?" he asked. The man with the beard raised his hand.

"Er, I guess I’m supposed to take over from here," the youngster said shyly.

"I’m VERY glad to meet you, young fella!" said the gentleman, extending his gnarled hand.

"So, how have things been going?" the kid asked.

"Not so hot, I’m afraid. People are still killing each other for the dumbest of reasons – religion or tribe or because someone’s got a couple of bucks in their pocket. And they’re not taking good care of the planet they live on. Greed is everywhere. Why, just last week I somehow let a beautiful religious holiday get turned into an orgy of commercialism. And in the last few hours, a lot of people got soused for no other reason than that they were awaiting your arrival. I guess I haven’t done a very good job."

"Gee, I’m sorry. But don’t worry. I’ll fix things. I’ve got a lot of plans!"

I couldn’t help but join their conversation. "How are you going to change the world?" I asked the youngster.

"Well, I sure want to do something about that killing stuff. People will have to stop fighting and start respecting each other. I’ll tell everybody to play nice. I’m even going to have a presidential election where all the candidates say only good things about each other."

"That’s a very ambitious plan," I replied. "How are you going to make it happen?"

"Well, on my very first day I’ll ask people to make some resolutions to behave better than they did in the old year. No disrespect intended to you, sir, of course."

"Of course," said the bearded man.

"Next, I’m going to teach people all through the year with some special lessons. I call them holidays. For example, in January I’ll have a special day that teaches people about brotherhood and respecting each other regardless of things like race. Then in February, I’ll have a day devoted to love."

I opened my mouth to point out that we already had Martin Luther King Day and Valentine’s Day, but the old man interrupted before I could speak. "Those sound like great ideas, son," he said with a wink at me. "What else have you come up with?"

"Well, I figure that people can always draw inspiration from their respected leaders, so I’m going to have a President’s Day next. And some time in Spring, which is the season of rebirth, it seems like a good time to celebrate Christ’s resurrection from the dead and the Jews’ escape to freedom. But I don’t want people to be too serious all the time, so around the first of April I plan to lighten things up with a day devoted to silly jokes."

I decided not to tell him about Income Tax Day later that month. No sense spoiling his euphoria. "Then what’s next?" I asked.

"Well, I think we should have days honoring mothers and fathers, and also one to remember friends and relatives who have passed on. And a day celebrating the establishment of the country’s government would help remind people of the principles they should live by. A day honoring the dignity of working people and another one thanking those who served their country would be kind of inspiring too.

"Then, as we get near the end of my wonderful year, we’ll have a very special day thanking God for all our blessings. Finally, just after the wintry days begin to lengthen again making the future look brighter, we’ll celebrate the birth of Christ. And on the last night of my tour of duty, I’ll throw a little party to celebrate all the improvements."

"Son, those sound like great learning experiences for the people on this planet," said the old man. "Go to it, and good luck!"

The youngster went skipping off down the path. I turned to the old guy and said, "He’s so naive! He doesn’t have a chance and you know it. Why didn’t you tell him?"

The bearded guy slowly shook his head. "My friend, the biggest sin we old folks can commit is to rob the younger generation of hope. And besides, his ideas sound pretty good the way he explains them. Just maybe people will learn from this year’s holidays and will start behaving better. Who knows? He may be the first one of us who is actually able to pull it off."

I got up and ambled off down the path after the youngster. It’ll be interesting to see how he does.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com

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