Coprolite Newsletter, February 2008

I suppose we really should have done something to observe Ben Franklin’s birthday on the 17th of last month. In many ways, he was one of the most inspiring Americans ever. Starting out in poverty as a runaway apprentice, he became a great businessman, diplomat, patriot, and probably the most prolific inventor since Leonardo Da Vinci.

Maybe the reason there’s no public celebration of his birthday is that we’re holding his one big screw-up against him. It’s hard not to. One of his inventions has caused endless frustration and trouble for me and, I’m sure, for millions of others.

No, it’s not his invention of the lightning rod that I’m referring to. It’s true that a few people may have been electrocuted trying to copy his experiment with flying a kite in a thunderstorm, but he had warned against that. His lightning rods are altogether good things, and have saved many buildings from burning down.

Nor is it his Franklin Stove that I object to. Heating homes with metal stoves instead of open-hearth fires saved lots of fuel and also made houses less likely to burn down.

His interest in home fires also led him to start the first volunteer fire department and the first fire insurance company. No problem for me there either.

After he was appointed postmaster, he invented the odometer and attached one to his carriage to help him plan postal routes. Although the sky-high odometer reading on my eight-year-old van causes me concern, I really can’t fault Franklin for that.

His invention of swim fins, an improved version of a musical instrument called the glass harmonica, or watertight bulkheads for ships don’t bother me in the least. A simple invention of his called the "long arm" consisted of a pole with a grabber on the end to pluck books off the top shelf of his library. When I was a kid, every mom and pop grocery store had one to help reach items on their upper shelves. All good.

Some people are discomfited by urinary catheters, which he invented to help his brother deal with kidney stones. Luckily, they’re a device that so far I haven’t had to make use of. Painful as they may be, I’m inclined to think they do somewhat more good than harm.

No, there’s really only one invention of his that I wish he’d never thought of – bifocals. The story goes that he got tired of switching back and forth between his regular glasses and reading glasses, so he combined the two lenses in one set of frames. On the face of it, this must have seemed like a good idea – UNLESS HE ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO TRY THEM!

I have to assume Ben Franklin lived in a one-storey house, because if he had tried walking down a flight of stairs in his new bifocals he would have tossed them in the wastebasket right away. I also believe that if he had looked at the dashboard of his carriage to check his other invention, the odometer, he would have realized that it was too far away for the lower lenses in his bifocals and too close for the top ones. He also must have had somebody else read the newspaper to him, or he would have suffered a perpetual crick in his neck from tilting his head up to read.

What was the man thinking? And what were all of us thinking who came after him and allowed ourselves to be persuaded to wear these things? How did somebody talk my dad, who was otherwise a very intelligent man, into wearing an even worse variation – trifocals? It’s a mystery how he could see anything at all through those kaleidoscopes.

I sure can’t claim to be any more sensible than all the others who succumbed to this silly invention. I’ve been wearing bifocals for many years. But I’m done. Next time I get glasses, there will be two separate pair the way nature intended.

In general, Ben Franklin was a great guy. But I guess even geniuses are entitled to a major goof at least once in their lives.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com

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