Coprolite Newsletter, October 2007

I feel sorry for middle aged folks these days. It turns out that, shortly after having “The Talk” with their adolescent kids, they now may need to have the same uncomfortable conversation with their parents. And it turns out to be even more challenging.

The talk I’m referring to, of course, is the one that mothers and dads traditionally have with their kids to prepare them for the dangerous world of sex out there. Well, it turns out that many of the parents of these middle-aged people are finding themselves widowed or divorced after a life of monogamy and are moving into that dangerous territory themselves. Only our generation probably never had “The Talk” from our own parents. And the world today is far different and more dangerous than when we first started out.

That’s why, according to a recent article in our local newspaper, more and more older people are getting “The Talk” from their kids. According to the article, my generation isn’t necessarily listening all that well.

“Don’t be silly! I can’t get pregnant any more,” says Grandma. “No, I’m not concerned about getting HPV. Our old analogue television works just fine. Condoms? Aren’t those like apartments that you buy instead of rent?”

Grandpa asks, “STD? Isn’t that the additive we used to put in our motor oil?” Then he says, “Of course I know what HIV is. Uncle Frank had to be fed with one of those things when he was in the hospital.”

This sort of misunderstanding may account for the fact that, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, people between 50 and 64 accounted for 14% of new HIV cases in 2005.

Part of the problem could be that seniors aren’t all that happy with being told what to do by their descendants. Accustomed to it, yes, but not happy about it. Maybe there should be more of an effort to get this information out to seniors in some way that will penetrate our protective layers of crankiness.

Whom do seniors listen to? Maybe barbers and bartenders could be given special training courses on how to present this information to us. Senior centers could add programs on sex to their schedule. It might become even more popular than bingo.

Probably the spokespeople who would attract the most attention and acceptance from seniors would be Alex Trebek and Bob Barker. After decades spent watching these two, we’d be sure to pay attention. The message would have to be carefully worded, though. If Alex Trebek said that certain behaviors could put us in Jeopardy, some of us might think he meant we could get on the TV show. And if Bob Barker (or maybe even his successor Drew Carey) warned us about having sex with strangers, we might assume it would be okay if The Price is Right.

Possibly the answer is just to turn this educational effort over to the government. That’s if we’re ready for an abstinence-only program. The seniors may not go for this, but I’m sure the kids saddled with the responsibility of giving them “The Talk” will approve.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com

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