Coprolite Newsletter, June 2007

Seniors would be so much better off if society treated us with as much intelligence and consideration as we might get from, say, a lawn mower.

I should specify that I'm talking about a relatively sophisticated lawn mower here, not the old one that I trudged behind for fifteen years or so. As time went by, every so often I would find it harder to keep up with that mower's forward speed. I would then have to move its throttle lever down a notch. Every time this happened, it seemed like a painful little milestone on my road to decrepitude. Although it was a competent enough lawn mower, its habit of periodically insulting me was an annoyance.

Last year, the machine reached the end of its days and had to be replaced. I was surprised to find, contrary to the way it works in humans, that my new lawn mower came with better manners than its elder generation.

The new lawn mower somehow senses how fast I choose to walk and sets its forward speed to match. On the days when I feel energetic and sprightly, we zip along like the wind. On the days when I can barely drag myself along, it's content to putter along at my pace. It does all this with the utmost discretion and courtesy, never requiring me to ask it to slow down.

I like this kind of treatment. If only I could get it from the companies that send me all those bills every month. They insist that I send my check in right away, not caring that I may be a touch slower nowadays in dealing with that unrelenting stack of mail.

In the same way, the federal, state, and county governments are very rigid about when I pay my income, sales, and real estate taxes.

And it's not just a matter of timing, but resources. Seniors on limited and fixed incomes would appreciate it if their creditors would simply let them pay their bills whenever funds became available.

All it takes is for these companies and government agencies to adopt the philosophy of that lawn mower. Let US set the pace, and we'll eventually get the job done.

The same thing could apply to every aspect of aging. Instead of making us periodically set that speed lever back a notch and feel bad about the transition, society could just adapt to our moving a little slower.

Instead of having to formally retire at a certain point, we could just gradually work fewer hours or not as hard. (Actually, some of us figured that out long before we retired.)

Instead of having to abruptly move into a senior apartment complex or nursing home, we could first be treated to an occasional stay in a nice hotel or spa when life gets a little too complicated.

I guess we know what kind of reception these ideas are bound to receive from the powers that be. In fact, I think I've discovered a covert effort to stamp them out. Yes, the government and big corporations may be out to get my poor lawn mower before it spreads its insidious philosophy that seniors should be allowed more control over their daily lives.

Recently my lawn mower starved for gas and stopped running. A friend of ours who runs a landscaping business told me that this type of small engine frequently needs to have its carburetor cleaned because it clogs on the type of gas we get at the pump nowadays. I took our mower in to the big chain-hardware store where I bought it. They sent it away to some central facility for repairs. A week and a half later, it came back. Still didn't work. Repeated the process. Still no luck.

Finally, I heard about a little repair shop nearby. The guy who has run it for thirty years told me his son was gradually taking over the business. I knew then that he understood our lawn mower and its philosophy of smooth and respectful change.

Yesterday the repair guy called to tell me that the big hardware-chain repair shop had installed part of the carburetor upside down.

Okay. The fuel that's available now in gas stations works in cars but is bad for lawn mowers. Retail giants sabotage lawn mowers entrusted to them for repair. Does that smell like a conspiracy or what? And all because a humble lawn mower tried to show the way that seniors should be treated.

I tell you they're out to get us – and anything that's on our side.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com

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