Coprolite Newsletter, August 2007

On the way home from running some errands the other day, I stopped at a drive-in to pick up lunch. I told the voice on the order machine that I wanted two of their smallest burgers (only a third of a pound of hamburger each, plus mushrooms and Swiss cheese). No, I didn't want fries or a soft drink or dessert. (Occasionally I do try to pay token attention to my diet, at least when I'm going to be eating lunch with my wife.) The voice told me the price and I drove up to the window.

The cashier's eyes widened with pleasure when she saw me in person. "Oh, I can do better for you on the price!" she exclaimed, and proceeded to discount 10% from the total.

What a nice surprise!

I wondered, was I their zillionth customer? Was it my sex appeal? Did she mistake me for her favorite celebrity?

Sadly, no. She went on to say, "Next time you go through the drive-through, mention that you're entitled to the senior discount."

Now, I'm quite certain I hadn't mentioned to her that I'm a senior. There were no AARP decals or Lawrence Welk bumper stickers on my car. On top of that, I wasn't even driving my codger-style sedan that day, but the minivan. I might have been on the way to pick up my kids from baseball practice. Yet, somehow she sensed that I'm a senior.

I tried every possible way to think of an explanation that didn't involve my looks. Nothing worked. She gave me the discount because I look old. How depressing! The discount was nice, but the way I got it was not.

This raises the question of just how a business SHOULD offer this type of discount.

I used to frequent a store that also gave discounts to seniors. They had a sign that said so. But the clerks never offered it unless you asked for it. If you asked, you were old enough; if you didn't ask, you didn't get it. There was no check of IDs, and no evaluation of your appearance. A brazen thirty-year-old could get it, and a shy eighty-year-old could miss out. This method avoids embarrassing the customer, but yet it doesn't seem quite right either.

Is there some way to give seniors special treatment fairly but without insulting them? Maybe we should look at how it works with other groups.

Take food stamps. When I go through the grocery checkout, the clerk never notices the ratty-looking clothes I often wear and exclaims "Oh, I see that you're needy. I can do better on the price for you." On the other hand, I can't imagine her simply taking my word that I was needy. There seems to be a requirement that you actually have the stamps issued by the proper agency. In the same way, should the government issue us senior stamps to entitle us to any discounts the store might offer our age group?

Gang members identify themselves with tattoos, lodge members use special handshakes, police officers show badges. What should we seniors use?

In the future, I'll bet we adopt the same system our pets use today. Dogs and cats can have microchips implanted under their skin that can get them returned home if they're lost. When people catch up to this technology for themselves, the store clerk will automatically know from your embedded birth date whether you're old enough to buy an R-rated movie ticket, order a drink, or get a senior discount.

It would be an effective system, but I'm not looking forward to having any electronics placed under my skin. Instead, when somebody asks if I'm a senior, maybe I should just try to learn to stop letting THAT get under my skin.

Wait a minute, what am I thinking? I'm a senior (and obviously have the looks to prove it). I'm entitled to be crotchety! That's better than a discount any day.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com

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