Coprolite Newsletter, January 2006

Even more than birthdays, New Year’s Eve stands as a monument to the passage of time. And so, as I’ve worked my way through most of the Seven Ages of Man that Shakespeare wrote about, I’ve also progressed through the corresponding Seven Stages of New Year’s.

In the beginning, of course, I slept away New Year’s Eve in my crib without paying attention to any celebrations that may have been going on in the vicinity. A little warm milk was all I cared to imbibe, and then I was ready to call it a night.

As I moved on into childhood, the changeover to the next year was still a time for sleep. However, I went to bed knowing that in the early morning there were likely to be snacks and appetizers scattered about the house, ripe for foraging. What’s more, there was not likely to be much parental supervision for the first couple of hours in the day. So New Year’s Eve was a time to make happy plans for the very near future.

The third stage for celebrating New Year’s came as I grew into my later teen years. A whole new world opened up. New Year’s Eve was a time to go to parties. There was still no liquor, but I got to stay up late. The best part was that at the stroke of midnight you were allowed – even expected – to kiss all the girls at the party. New Year’s Eve was a time for the hedonistic enjoyment of the moment.

Years later, during the Fourth Stage of New Year’s, I thought it was necessary to join large crowds of people raucously celebrating in some big ballroom. The loud music and teeming throngs made it almost impossible to hear what others at our table were shouting.

Between that and the libations that were poured, the next morning tended to be a painful experience. New Year’s Day became a natural time to make serious resolutions aimed at improving my behavior in the future.

Things calmed down quite a bit during the Fifth Stage of New Year’s. During this time, we always celebrated with a few friends or relatives at somebody’s home. There were still ample supplies of food and drink available, but quiet conversation replaced the hoarse attempts to talk over the noise of a band. New Year’s became more a time to reflect on things we value, such as friendship and family.

Our sixth stage began three years ago. What we do now is enjoy a relatively tame and early celebration with one group on New Year’s Eve, and then get together with another group early in the morning. The second group loves to greet the dawn enthusiastically on January 1st with a champagne toast in some scenic outdoor location, followed by a sumptuous breakfast (accentuated by Bloody Marys) at a nice restaurant. This year, we added a get-together with a third group of friends on the afternoon of New Year’s Day.

This combination seems to combine the best elements of the earlier stages. There’s the cozy small-group camaraderie of Stage five, just a bit of the exuberant celebration from Stage four (without the hangover-causing excesses), the midnight smooching of stage three (although in a more restrained manner), and the excellent New Year’s Day overeating from Stage two. The only problem is that it calls for a lot more multi-tasking than I’m used to.

That’s why I don’t know how long this stage will last. Soon enough, I guess it’ll be time for me to enter Stage Seven – a little warm milk and early to bed, just like when it all started.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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