Coprolite Newsletter, December 2006

You say you’re all stressed out? The rush of shopping and social obligations has gotten you down? You’re depressed, unhappy, and irritable? Congratulations. You’re supposed to be.

It’s the sort of thing we seniors probably understand better than anybody. When we were kids, December was all excitement, what with writing letters to Santa, dropping hints to our parents, and putting up Christmas decorations. (Yes, in those days they didn’t go up until mid-December instead of the day after Halloween.) We didn’t notice that the days were getting short. In fact, they seemed to drag on forever.

It was only when we turned into adults that this season of the year started to get a little depressing. The days kept getting shorter, while at the same time there was so much more to do. Many of us suffered from the dreary weather and long dark nights. In the northern climes where I live, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can spread like measles. The best treatment is to spend some time under bright lights. Many people find that neon lights work especially well at cheering them up. Neon lights coupled with loud music.

Once you become a senior, however, you can manage a balanced outlook toward this time of year. For one thing, we tend to take a longer view of this season’s history.

The ancients didn’t have the advantage of either bright lights or a convenient name for the SAD syndrome. They just knew that this time of year was a downer. The common people had an added disadvantage: they weren’t entirely sure that the days were about to start getting longer again and that spring would really come around. It must have been scary.

That’s why, shortly after the winter solstice, it was a big relief to sense that the days were starting to lengthen. So the Romans had a big feast to celebrate the annual discovery that the sun was unconquered after all, and things were going to be okay.

Some say this is why the early Christians pegged their celebration of Christ’s birth to coincide with the Romans’ big party. It was a way of saying, “Okay, life wasn’t looking so cheery before, but the long wait is over. Halleluia!”

So I guess it follows that to enter completely into the celebration of Christmas, we should be depressed right about now. No doubt this is why Christmas shopping was invented.

Why else would we rush around spending money we can’t afford on gifts that people don’t really need when the weather makes it as inconvenient as possible? The whole idea must be to fill us with anxiety and stress. Only then can we really appreciate the joys of Christmas day. Maybe we’re all supposed to symbolically go into labor before we can celebrate the Birth.

I do my best to get into the spirit of things this time of year. For maximum stress, I wait until the winter solstice before starting my shopping.

For entertainment, I watch a Christmas special about Frosty, a lovable snowman who is doomed to die by melting. Then there’s Charlie Brown, who is rejected by his peers because he chooses a scrawny skeleton of a Christmas tree. Or Rudolph, the reindeer who is also rejected by his peers because he developed a gross disfigurement on his face. The really scary one is about a green monster who lives on a mountain and goes down to terrorize the helpless inhabitants of Whoville and steal their possessions. Of course, I could always change the channel and watch the annual collapse of my favorite football team this time of year.

With all these splendid opportunities for depression, there’s really no excuse for anyone not being able to get into the proper pre-Christmas spirit. Then, when the day finally comes, we’re wound up to burst forth with all the joy, happiness and merriment that we’ve been suppressing.

Seniors understand this winter solstice business more than anybody because we’ve been through so many periods in our lives when things seemed to be going from dark to darker, and then started getting better again. And we’re not just talking about the hours of daylight here.

When it comes to Christmas, kids feel the joy of it. Their parents understand the love and harmony it symbolizes. And their grandparents also pick up the message that, even late in the year, renewal and new beginnings are always possible.

May you have a properly depressing December, followed by a deliriously happy holiday season.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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