Coprolite Newsletter, August 2006

Way back while I was in college, a psychology professor explained that when people get senile it's a lot like getting drunk. Both states tend to exaggerate the personality you had before getting that way.

A pleasant, friendly guy when he's sober will turn into a happy-go-lucky drunk who'll put a lampshade on his head to amuse the crowd. Someone who's a bit aloof when he's sober can turn into a belligerent drunk spoiling for a fight.

In the same way, said the professor, when a friendly, easy-going person turns senile, he tends to enjoy a very carefree second childhood. Someone who's less outgoing when he's young may become a cranky old coot when he turns senile.

So far, most of my knowledge of senility and drunkenness has come through watching other people rather than personal experience. (At least that's my story and I'm sticking with it.) However, I do think the professor was on the right track.

It's just that he didn't go far enough.

You don't have to turn senile to experience that exaggeration effect. In fact, just getting older will heighten most aspects of your personality. On top of that, it will take just about everything in your life to new extremes.

Take economics. If you had some trouble making ends meet while you were still working, you'll be collecting recipes for dog-food casseroles after you start trying to live on Social Security. On the other hand, if you were fairly well off before, you'll really be on easy street once you're done with college tuition and house payments.

Or how about leisure time? Someone who didn't have a lot of interests outside of work will find that retirement brings huge slabs of time with absolutely nothing to do except be bored. On the other hand, someone who always had a lot of after-work activities will find retirement exciting. They get so involved with social, volunteer, and family projects that time just flies by.

The examples above show both positive and negative exaggerations that come with aging. Unfortunately, some aspects of life only seem to grow in the negative direction. For example little health problems when you're young are pretty likely to become bigger health problems later. But a little athletic ability when you're young doesn't eventually expand to make you an Olympic champion when you're old.

That seems so unfair. Yet, there's another side to the equation as well. There are things that only get a lot better when you get older.

An example that comes to mind just now is babysitting. When Mickey and I were in high school, she did a lot of babysitting. Well, this week she has a new babysitting job. But, since this is more than fifty years later, everything about it is bigger and better.

The job isn't just for a few hours like in high school, but for a whole week. Instead of just walking a few houses away in her neighborhood, she commuted a little further for this job. It meant flying from Minneapolis to Baltimore to watch our two-year-old grandson, Aidan, while his day-care center is closed for vacation.

Back in high school, I sometimes used to keep Mickey company while she babysat. This time I got to accompany her all the way to Baltimore, and even got a promotion to Assistant Babysitter.

In high school, I used to bring along a textbook to study while she was busy with the kids. This trip, I brought a book I'm trying to write.

In the old days, the kids' parents sometimes left a few snacks for the sitter. Now, our son and daughter-in-law fix a gourmet dinner for us when they get home from work.

In high school, the youngsters Mickey took care of were just ordinary kids. On this job, we get to spend time with our very own smart-as-a-whip, cute-as-a-button grandson.

The best part of being with Mickey while she was babysitting in the old days, of course, was that after the kids went to sleep we could smooch a little in the living room. On this job, I get to spend the whole night with her!

As I said before, whatever happens when you're young is pretty likely to happen again in a more extreme way when you get old. That knowledge might scare the heck out of a lot of younger folks as they look at what they're doing in their present stage. But if you love life, and each other, exaggeration can be a beautiful thing.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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