Coprolite Newsletter, April 2006

I’m afraid I have bad news for men below retirement age. Brace yourselves, kids. The more the world changes, the more it becomes evident that only seniors are well adapted to live in it. (This may not apply to women, since they’re outside my field of expertise. Anyway, they seem able to adjust to anything.)

Let’s look at an example of how older guys are better adapted than young ones to the world of today. Take transportation. Young people have an awful lot more trouble than we do in flying anywhere.

To begin with, they have more problems getting through security. When it comes time to take their shoes off, most young guys have to sit down to unlace them and then later tie them again. Duffers have long since converted to slip-ons, or at the very least shoes with Velcro closures.

Next, young guys must take the laptops out of their backpacks or briefcases to send them through the scanner in a separate plastic bin. We seniors just bring along an old novel or back copy of the Saturday Evening Post we’ve been meaning to read some day. No need to unpack them.

Young guys are more likely to have big belt buckles as well as pockets full of coins, money clips, and cell phones that trigger the security alarm. By the time they make it through the checkpoint after several tries, they must rush to the end of the conveyor belt in hopes that nobody has run off with their laptop. Seniors have very little cash, forgot to bring their cell phone, and have switched from belts to suspenders. We just stroll right through.

Once on the plane, young people tend to fidget and feel the need to walk up and down the aisle during a long flight. We seniors have mastered the art of remaining motionless in a reclining chair for hours without it causing us anxiety.

After the plane arrives at its destination, young people are more apt to have problems with their bags. I heard somewhere that lost luggage is up something like 25% over what it was a year or two ago. A senior is better able to cope with lost luggage, because we’re already used to slouching around wearing the same outfit every day for a week.

This senior advantage in travel doesn’t just apply to flight. Let’s look at driving.

The biggest change that drivers need to adjust to these days is the astronomical cost of gas. The young guys roaring down the freeway in their SUVs pay a fortune just to get to work. We older folks drive our Buicks and Oldsmobiles at the speed where their gas mileage is highest—40 to 50 miles per hour. We make a lot fewer stops at the pump. You’d think the drivers swooshing past us making rude gestures would catch on to our wisdom.

I’m sure there have been many periods in human history when the world was ideally suited for the young, the athletic, the excitable. This just doesn’t happen to be one of them. All I can say to my youthful friends and relatives is gee, I’m sorry about that. But maybe you should consider patterning your behavior on the codger culture. You’re eventually going to do it anyway.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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