Coprolite Newsletter, November 2005

I seem to be the first guy in my family to lack control over the things that I own, whether animate or inanimate.

My grandpa was the complete boss of everything on his 80-acre farm. During my extended visits each summer, I saw that the horses obeyed his every command perfectly. The cows came down the lane right on schedule, and each one walked directly to her assigned stall in the barn. The chickens gave up their eggs willingly to my grandparents (although they pecked angrily at me whenever I was sent out to collect their treasure).

The farm had no electricity but there was a lot of equipment, from the horse-drawn plows and wagons to the gasoline pump that filled the stock-watering tank. Grandpa could make it all work perfectly with a little tinkering. Everything he owned seemed bent to his will.

My dad was somewhat the same way. We didn't have a lot of animals, but "Spooky," our cat, lived with the family for well over 20 years in an easy-going, congenial relationship. When mechanical stuff broke down, my dad could always fix it even though the results weren't always aesthetically pleasing. As far as I could see, all the machines in his workshop did pretty much what he wanted them to.

Not so for me. Animals and machines all seem intent on dominating me instead of doing what I want.

My car tells ME when I should change its oil or have the engine checked or even close the door. I'd get rid of it, but I understand that the new ones will even tell me where I should turn in order to get where I'm going. That's just way too bossy!

My computers sometimes have the nerve to tell me "access denied" when I try to open a file. I paid for you, how dare you talk to me that way! My old laptop is the worst. Several years ago, I connected to the Internet with it from a hotel room. In the process, the computer apparently developed feelings for that hotel. Ever since, I have to type in the password, "guest," every time I turn it on. I'm your owner, not your guest, you jerk!

I have the same luck with animals.

They say owners and their dogs tend to resemble each other. Well, during the twelve years we had Max, our little poodle, my hair turned white to match his. Why wasn't it up to him to change instead of me?

A few weeks ago, we got a new puppy, aptly named "Diva." She's a mix of rat terrier and mountain cur. Now, any dog with "rat" and "cur" in her family name is bound to have a strong personality, and Diva more than lives up to it. In fact, her goal is to totally dominate the household. She figures our furniture, plants, fingers, and shoes are there for her chewing pleasure. When we walk her, she insists on clenching her teeth on the leash just to show she's really the one in charge. I half expect my eyes to start turning from blue to brown to match hers.

There are moments when Diva is sweet as can be. In the evening, she'll lie lovingly on my lap as we both doze off watching TV. At those times, her bossy ways seem easier to take.

I may never be master of my possessions like my ancestors were. But I figure the worst case scenario with Diva is that, even though I'll have still another boss to dominate me, at least I'll get in more walking than before.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

To read other Coprolite Columns, return to Newsletter Archives.

You are welcome to forward this newsletter to anyone, as long as you send it in its entirety. To subscribe or unsubscribe, please visit http://three.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/coprolitenews.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Who are the Coprolites—a tribe, a secret society, a religious order? If you ’re unfamiliar with this proud but little-understood group, visit http://www.coprolites.org for more information. Find out how you—or that friend of yours who has a birthday coming up—can benefit.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For professionally written and edited newsletters, brochures, speeches, scripts, or web copy, get in touch with WordMagic Communications. We have lots of powerful words in stock, with fresh supplies arriving daily.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Need a speaker for your workshop, seminar, or meeting? Check out The Expert Speakers Group. .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -