Coprolite Newsletter, March 2005

Because of their sheer numbers, those in the Baby Boomer generation have always imposed their values and concerns on the rest of us.

When they were pampered kids, we went through a flurry of school construction and TV cartoon and puppet show development. When they discovered puberty, we went through the sexual revolution. When they got jobs and learned about making money, materialism ruled the land. Now, poor things, they’ve started to realize they’re approaching retirement. All of a sudden it seems like the biggest public concern is how to save Social Security and provide prescription drug benefits.

I can guess at some of the other changes we’re likely to see as the Boomers continue to age. Instead of offering discounts to seniors, restaurants and theaters will find it simpler to add a surcharge to the prices they charge those few people who aren’t seniors yet.

Waitresses and doctors will get in the habit of talking to everybody in a loud voice full of exaggerated cheerfulness, the way they talk to some of us now.

The Senior Olympics will be the main worldwide sports competition, and the regular Olympics will just be a footnote.

Actually, I’m getting kind of tired of how the Boomer Generation throws its weight around. I wish they would just consult some of us who have already made the transition to seniorhood. We could teach them how to get through it without causing so much stress for the rest of the world.

Seniorhood isn’t as big a deal as the Boomers are making it. There’s just one simple principle to remember. When you’re older, everything will be more or less the opposite of what it was when you were a kid.

For example, when you’re younger, if you don’t watch your diet your face breaks out. When you’re older, if you don’t watch your diet your hips bulge out. In general, as your age goes higher all bodily effects happen lower.

When the Baby Boomers were teens, customs agents paid special attention to young people entering the country on suspicion that they might be bringing in illegal drugs. Now, they guard against seniors bringing in cut-rate prescriptions. The profiling works pretty much the same, except now they focus on tour buses instead of VW buses.

Magazines aimed at teenagers are filled with ads for lotions, potions, and fashions that guarantee to make them more attractive. Magazines aimed at seniors are filled with ads for adjustable beds, foam shoe inserts, and pain relievers that promise some hope of comfort. The truth is that most teenagers need to be more comfortable with their lives and many of us seniors could stand to pay more attention to our appearance. Maybe we should trade magazines.

When you’re a teenager, you worry about passing the road test so you can get your driver’s license. When you’re a senior, you worry about passing the eye test so you can keep that same license.

When you’re a teenager, your parents worry that you might be sexually active. When you’re a senior, your kids are absolutely certain that you’re not. The truth is that senior sex is about the same as before, except now it’s probably the gal instead of the guy who asks, “Did you remember to take your pill?”

When you’re starting out your career, the business world is ruled by stodgy old guys who look on younger workers with condescension. When you’re winding up your career, the business world is ruled by arrogant whiz kids who patronize their elders.

If the Boomers would just start preparing now to recognize and deal with these flip-flops, the rest of the population might be spared some of the turmoil that always seems to come when this particular generation lurches from one stage in life to the next.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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