Coprolite Newsletter, April 2005

I can remember telephones that only grownups could use. Now we have phones that only kids can use. Once again I have to ask myself—when did the world turn upside down?

The “grownup” phones were big wooden boxes with cranks on the side, mounted so high on the wall that they were above the reach of most youngsters. The “kid” phones are the new cellular ones, so tricked up with electronic programs that hardly anybody my age can figure out how to work them.

My acquaintance with the old-style wooden phone goes back to one that hung in my aunt’s farmhouse when I was about eight years old. It was a party line, so there was a code of long and short rings that signaled whether an incoming call was for you or someone else. Of course, many folks on the party line picked up the phone on every call, just to hear all the news.

The first phone I remember in my parents’ house was one of those skinny candlestick models about a foot tall. This was followed by several round and then square desktop phones, which in turn were replaced by those streamlined Princess phones. Their last phone was a big square wall model with oversized numbers to accommodate my mother’s macular degeneration.

My wife and I now have a home phone with a viewing screen that helpfully divulges details of who’s calling or on hold, the last 100 numbers we’ve called, and lots of other stuff we may or may not want to know some day. Our problems aren’t with that one, but with our cell phones.

Recently we decided to buy new cell phones because we live out on the fringes of civilization and our old ones didn’t work very well within five miles of home. Our new phones do pull in a much stronger signal, but it’s been a frustrating experience.

To begin with, it’s hard to buy a cell phone these days that doesn’t include a camera. I already have a digital camera that takes much better pictures than anything built into a phone. Besides, I’m not good at multi-tasking. When I’m taking pictures, I can’t talk on the phone and vice-versa.

Cell phones today also seem to want to connect me with my email. I can’t imagine why I would want to tie up my cell phone while I’m driving around by downloading the dozens of junk emails I get each day offering to refinance my mortgage, supply me with exciting medications, or enable me to make big money in my spare time.

Today’s cell phones also seem intent on entertaining me with music and games. The car radio already does an adequate job of that. I understand I can also do an elaborate dance on the keyboard, punching several keys for each letter, and send a text message to somebody. Why on earth wouldn’t I prefer to spend a lot less time and just call them instead? After all, it’s a PHONE!

We finally managed to find cell phones that do a good job of pulling in a signal and that don’t include a camera. We haven’t even begun to plumb the mysteries of all the exotic features they do include.

We had to go back to the store to have them show us how to retrieve voice mail messages. On our old phones, you just pushed a button. Now we have to hit a little envelop symbol and then type in a password and then press some other buttons. These safeguards might be appropriate if we were the CIA, but it seems a little excessive for a couple of simple grandparents.

There are other things that are incomprehensible to me. When I want to turn the phone on, why must I hit a button labeled “end?” When I want to receive an incoming call, why do I hit a button labeled “send?” Is it just a language problem on the part of the people oversees who make these things, or is it the same sort of electronic misdirection that has me hitting “start” when I want to shut down my computer?

I’m going to have to ask my grandchildren for some training. They seem to be experts on everything electronic. Maybe, in exchange, I could regale them with stories about how people used to be able to turn a crank on the side of a wooden box and then talk to a live human being who would then plug in a wire to connect them with their friends. I’m sure the kids will find it just as mysterious as today’s technology looks to me.

––Wayne Adams
wayne@coprolites.com
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